CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The holiday season is meant to bring good tidings and cheer with it. Family visits, time with friends, traditions new and old should spark joy for everyone.
But there’s another side to the holidays that is not often discussed: grief.
Every holiday season can bring a tidal wave of emotions with it beyond happiness and warmth. This could be a family’s first Christmas after a loved one has passed, or the first Hanukkah after a significant other ended a relationship. Even the death of a pet is a valid reason to mourn since they’re not there to curl up beside family.
For those in mourning, the holidays can be isolating. Rev. Whitney Bayer, an associate pastor with South Mecklenburg Presbyterian Church, said the first step to helping someone mourning is to simply listen.
“One of the most helpful things that we can do with someone who is grieving is to be willing to sit beside them, to hold their hand, to put an arm around them, to wrap them in a warm embrace,” she said. “And oftentimes, people want their grief acknowledged, they don’t want it dismissed. And that is not helpful at all.”
Bayer said the pressure is on for those grieving to try to put on a brave face and engage in all the merriment. The reality, however, is that it can be draining for someone who needs time to grieve. Bayer, who joined South Mecklenburg Presbyterian a few years ago, spoke with WCNC Charlotte about the church’s upcoming Longest Night service, happening virtually on this year’s winter solstice, Dec. 21. While not a strictly Presbyterian tradition – Bayer notes other churches hold similar Longest Night or Blue Christmas services – the church has held this special sermon for several years, giving people a chance to find solace.
“The intention of the Longest Night service is for people who need space to grieve in the midst of the holidays, which there’s not a lot of time that is allowed for that or space carved out for it,” she said. “So it is a space to come and allow your emotions to be real.”
The title of the Longest Night neatly matches up with what the winter solstice is: the time of the year when night falls earliest and it gets dark outside quicker. Bayer said it’s a perfect opportunity to allow those who need to grieve to have that space ready for them to bring their emotions with them.
“It’s space carved out where that’s okay, and that is not frowned upon by any means,” she said.
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Jackie Greco agrees with this. She’s a therapist with Sun Counseling and Wellness in Charotte and said being able to attend services and other events aimed at facing grief during the holidays can help.
“I absolutely think that it is helpful to create space and make space and hold space for those that are grieving in the community,” said Greco. “And the idea of being able to build a community around that to support one another during this time, I think is really crucial, because there are going to be instances where people don’t necessarily have big support groups behind them in a very personal way.”
While some people will want to find space or comfort in their grieving season, Greco notes others may not have that capacity to really sit down all the time. However, she said there’s a difference between acknowledging your own emotional limits and stonewalling someone’s needs entirely. She also said we have to be mindful of the needs of those who are grieving.
“The kindest thing that we can do in supporting those that we love through the grieving process is to honor their process, and to honor their way of going about it,” she said. “If you feel comfortable to sit with that person and offer space up to talk with that person about the loved one and that loss, that can be a huge gift, right? Because, again, the person who is grieving – oftentimes what we know is there are sometimes where people don’t want to talk about their loved one, and they don’t want to talk about the grief. But really, if people are invited to, oftentimes they’ll take that opportunity and run with it.”
Greco also had some advice for those facing the holidays with grief for the first time: it’s okay to not be okay.
“I would say to remember to be gentle with yourself,” she said. “There’s a lot of things going on that you’re experiencing for the first time. It’s overwhelming and it’s okay to be overwhelmed. And it’s okay to take things one day at a time, and if we’re really overwhelmed it’s okay to take things one hour, one minute at a time. You will get through it.
Prior to the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, South Mecklenburg Presbyterian held the Longest Night service in person, ensuring it was open to everyone and with church leaders sending special invitations to those in their own congregation they knew needed consoling. Last year, it went virtual with a stream to the church’s Facebook page. That’s the plan for this year as well, and Rev. Bayer believes a hybridized version of the service could happen in future years. She also noted the virtual service garnered positive feedback; people could either stream the service live or come back to it later when they were ready to sit with their emotional needs.
Contact Vanessa Ruffes at vruffes@wcnc.com and follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.